Yes, I am still alive. I’ve just been a little busy, well, busy doing not a lot. If you haven’t already guessed from the title of this post or don’t follow me on Instagram; Nathan and I are turning into 3. Yes, I’m pregnant!!! We’re over the moon, and so excited but my god the first trimester is a lot to take in. It’s very overwhelming. I wanted to write a little something to let you guys know how I found it and to have something to look back on in time, I guess.
Here we go, an open letter to my first trimester.
Dear first trimester,
It has to be said, you have been such a rollercoaster of feelings and emotions from the moment we found out. It was a Saturday afternoon when I gathered the courage to pee on that stick (and the 4 others we later bought, just to make sure), and there it was, the little plus sign. I remember feeling happy, excited, worried and scared all in one! I don’t think the realisation actually sunk in though, even after seeing our tiny baby on the screen in front of us at the ultrasound.
I think the only thing you let up on for me was actual sickness, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t make me nauseous as hell for 3 months. The smell of freshly cut grass one morning on my way to work made me heave like there was no tomorrow, I spent most of the time food shopping at the end of the aisles because I couldn’t bear to look at some foods and I cried; a lot.
Oh man, the crying. I have a list of drafted tweets from the numerous times you made me cry, or how thankful I was that sometimes it was only an almost cry. Almost cries felt like an achievement, thank you hormones for not making me look like a crazed psycho all of the time. I still remember the first crying incident clear as day. My bag of freshly cooked mozzarella dippers from Morrisons split all over me in the car, Nathan looked at me like he was about to burst into an hysterical laughing fit. Then the tears came and they didn’t stop for a good 30 minutes. Oh the joys. Then there was the time that I had to play the Greatest Showman soundtrack full blast in the car on the way home from work to stop me from sobbing like a lunatic over pretty much nothing.
The only foods I could stomach most days were carbs, carbs and more carbs. You literally made me overload on carbs every meal over the space of 3 months and then comes the bloating. I almost instantly couldn’t wear my skinny jeans without undoing the button every time I sat down due to constantly being bloated.
If I was Nathan I wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore, let alone live with me. The tiredness is something else, I’m a sleepy person anyway but you’ve taken it to a new level the last few months. I’m a grouchy tired person, add hunger to the mix and I am Satan himself (sorry pal). On top of the exhaustion I think I’ve woken up almost every night since finding out between 2am and 4am too. Either because I need to pee, or the weird dreams you’ve blessed me with. I was growing a baby Dachshund one night and then giving birth to a baby with an actual full set of teeth the next – RIP my nipples in that one.
But, the hardest thing has to be the worry and the fact that 10 weeks seemed to feel like 10 months. Wanting to tell people why your sobbing over the lack of Smartie yoghurts in Asda or why you’re pretty much falling asleep at your desk even though you got a solid 12 hours last night, but being too worried that it may all lead to disappointment. The fear of going to the scan and it being bad news.
However, seeing a wriggly little baba inside your tummy on the 12 week scan is utterly an amazing experience. It makes you all worth it and it makes me rather emotional looking back on it. All I could think about whilst lying on that bed was to ignore the urge to pee myself whilst the lovely sonographer was pressing down on my extremely full bladder.
All in all, first trimester, you were a bit of an emotional ride and you’ve really made me appreciate the importance of self care. But I wouldn’t have had it any other way because I know you will bring the very best.
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